2 Weeks, 5 Days - I Get SO EMOTIONAL, Baby!

The Short Summary:

Saturday to Thursday: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Serious emotional distress happening here! Persistent low grade fever (LGF), shortness of breath, head congestion. Sen-si-tive!  Irregular, sudden spurts in heart rate. Minor achy bones. Tense muscles. Tired, tired, tired...tired.  Now people say I look exhausted. Eyes are heavy. I start yawning around 10am. Working out now means walking at low intensity. The days following the shot(s) are tougher than later in the week. Taking Theraflu, Zyrtec, and ibuprofen for relief. Good news: Rash is drying up!!

The Details:

Saturday:
Slept in. Low grade fever (LGF) this morning. Took Theraflu for head congestion. All better. Continued Theraflu. Had good energy after Theraflu worked. Cleaned bedroom/bath, grocery shopped, cooked dinner. Resting now. It's evening: experiencing rapid irregular heart rate. Emotionally sensitive day. Feelings of sadness. Staying strong, holding on.

Sunday:
Glad I went to church. Uplifting. Good to visit friends and serve on Easter while kids had fun playing. Needed the worship service to encourage me. Grateful for that.  Weather was beautiful. Exhausted by day's end. By night, I am feeling emotionally vulnerable. Sad and guilty - not my usual energetic, push-thru-and-just-try-harder-self.  Maybe that's a good thing - a healthy thing - a "self-care" thing. Low grade fever (LGF) persists. Theraflu is a must-have. Time for shot #3. Not worried about flu effects.

THANK YOU LAF Ladies for the Easter baskets!  The kids loved the candy (Ok, ok...so did I.)!

Monday:
Woke up tired with LGF. Exercised with Alana and didn't go full out. Less intense. Did not have energy to go to gym later. Very sad today. Hard to relax. Feeling somewhat depressed - having a hard time coming out of it. Glad to pick up kids from school. Got my mind off my sadness. My kids are so understanding and uplifting. They love their mommy. I'm grateful. On the way to dance practice, Desiree acted as deejay on the iPod. The music ministered to me. God is good. Got a text from a friend who just moved away to Dallas. The convo was casual but she shared great news! Just to know she was thinking of me took more sadness away.

Then I got the ultimate uplift in the grocery store: Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" played overhead. Yes, I will survive! Then "Soul Man" played next. Hilarious! Now I'm chuckling. Sadness is gone. Heaviness is lifted. Thank God! Had I stayed around the house I probably would be feeling more depressed. I'm glad the children keep me busy in the afternoons, even if I'm tired.

I gave myself the Neupogen shot to increase my neutrophils (white blood cells).  Great.  More drugs, right! But, I'm glad my Mayo medical crew is taking good care of me.  And, I'm a pro at giving myself shots!  I didn't think I'd get so comfortable with it so fast.

The side effects of Neupogen could be tiredness and bone aches.
I'm already tired. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

Tuesday:
It's Ba-ack! And worse! My emotional state is bad, to say the least. I never felt so heavy, yet so emotionally weak. So clearly depressed. So hopeless. It's scary. My thoughts have been dangerous. I hope that... I hope I can keep a healthy mind. I hope that the Lord hears my cries, that He will rescue me and keep me sane.

Wow, you guys! Never have I been through such a frightening mental state! Well, I take that back. I do remember going through something like this during chemotherapy for leukemia, 25 years ago, at age 12. Hmm... [See My Cancer Story]

So I managed enough strength to raise myself off my bathroom floor. I found a safe place to compulsively cry and journal.  Just in case you think I'm being dramatic, "managing enough strength" is no easy task.  I have even more compassion for the clinically depressed. I get it. If what I experienced is only a fraction of what most go through... Pray for me!

I couldn't get my mind to function.  I couldn't think.  I was trying to come up with encouraging thoughts, phrases, words.  Something positive. Nothing was coming to me.

I needed rescuing. Journal that.
I did.

My mind was stuck.  Congested.  Heavy.  Fogged.  Jammed.  You know, like a computer keyboard button getting stuck on "?" or something...
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I emailed a friend.  That's all I had the strength to do. Glad I had that much. Glad I had a smartphone too. She replied quickly and her words shone like "light" through my fog. Here's some of what she said, God bless her:

"Reaching out and emailing and sharing with me is VERY healthy. You are not weak but human!!"
That's right. I am human, only human. If I can't. Don't. It's ok. I will again soon.

"Grieve.  It is ok.  Just know that you will not be in this spot that you are in for very long. I promise!"
She was right.

Wednesday:
No fog! Feeling...dare I say...good!?!   Sigh. Thank You, Lord!

And THANK YOU to my LAF ladies for the encouraging cards in the mail.
And THANK YOU to the Mota family for dinner! Delicious!  We are set for a few nights!

Thursday:
An even better day! But ya better recognize: "good" and "better" are all relative terms nowadays.  Some things remain the same:  LGF, fatigue, shortness of breath, rapid irregular heart rate, congestion etc.  But, I don't feel as weak, physically.  Not so emotionally heavy.  I'm sure my husband's been praying for me. I haven't been there for him like he's used to me being (like I'm used to me being...).

I cleaned out two closets, loaded up the SUV and headed to Goodwill to donate. Stopped by the grocery store on the way home. Productivity!  Ah... feels good!  Communicated with friends via text, Facebook, and phone convo. Ah... I feel encouraged and loved!

I wonder if the Neupogen shot has something to do with it.  Maybe my neutrophils are rising?  Maybe that's why I don't feel as weak? I got my blood drawn today and was anxious to hear back from the nurse. Maybe tomorrow then.